All That I Am
by Orchid Falls
Summary: This, when they look back, is when everything began to unravel; but not when it all began. soulxmaka.
1. is lost in you

**A/n's: **I'm testing myself on whether I can do a shorter multi-chaptered fic. Here's to hope! My obsession with insanity, let me show it to you.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own it and all that jazz

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_All my little plans and schemes, lost like some forgotten dreams_

Regina Spektor: Real Love

**All That I Am**

**is lost in you**

The door had slammed in his face.

The door had slammed in his face and Soul had split the skin of his knuckles trying to punch his fist through the wall.

Nobody was watching, but everyone was looking. Eyes that stared and mouths open wide, words caught on the edges of gaping lips. He could feel them staring.

Black Star had stuttered and caught himself stuttering and closed his mouth, his hand had landed on his friends' shoulder and caught the shrug that they had both known was coming; his fingers digging into fabric and skin and muscle until they couldn't be shaken off.

Soul was tight and full of the heat that comes with anger and Black Star looked lost and very confused. His fingers shook on Soul's shoulder and he stared and he looked just like everybody else that was staring.

Tsubaki watched, hands clasped and fingers gripping each other so tightly that her skin turned white and hurt. "Maybe-" her voice caught in her throat and choked.

Soul glared and Black Star glared and there was a pinched look to everyone's skin that seemed unsettling and wrong.

Tsubaki tried once again, licked dry lips and twined her fingers tighter, "Maybe it would be best."She looked at the closed door. She was thinking of what was behind it and closed her eyes so that she could stop looking, or thinking, or both. Her breath skittered past the backs of her teeth and her jaw clicked as she closed her mouth. It was too much noise when everyone else seemed to have stopped breathing.

Later, Black Star would tell her how proud he was to be her partner, and neither of them would speak; his hand on top of hers and her hand below his, both of them shaking and both too crammed full with words that didn't need to be spoken in the quiet.

Black Star cleared his throat and Tsubaki looked sickened again at the silence. "We should see to your hand." Soul had looked at her then, shadowed eyes and a trembling mouth, a look that said he was breaking or maybe _was_ broken; and Tsubaki looked and knew that she couldn't fix him. Maka could fix him, Tsubaki and Black Star and everybody else could patch him up, but Maka could fix him. She had thought it funny then how you could know someone for so long and then have something happen, and then watch as everything you knew changed and fell apart. There was no laughter.

"We should see to your hand," she repeated, and moved forward so that she took his other side and blocked off the view of everybody staring.

He was grateful for that and he wondered if she could feel everybody's eyes now pricking at her back, just like he had. It didn't really matter to him, not now that they weren't looking at him and the door, and how he was on the wrong side of it.

Soul shuffled forward and opened his mouth to speak and his voice cracked. It felt like he had stones in his throat, gravel that took up the space he needed to speak, gritty and solid and making almost every moment hard to breathe. Tsubaki's fingers moved to circle his wrist and he thought she felt cold, empty maybe, and he stopped himself from pulling back; her grip tightening and pulling him forward.

Black Star pushed at his shoulder and the three of them moved. Away from the staring and the whispers and the closed door, Soul's blood dripped and his skin bruised and his mind seemed to be in two places; right where he stood and then far away behind the door, with the girl he couldn't see, his partner raw and broken.

* * *

Going back to Soul and Maka's shared apartment wasn't a good idea. He hadn't thought of this and it was Tsubaki who cleverly suggested she could clean him up better with her own equipment. Her eyes had slid to Black Star's and he'd caught the movement and then the white lie that neither of them thought he had noticed.

Now, Soul sat at his friend's kitchen table, his hand cradled in Tsubaki's own as Black Star made them tea. His head was dipped and vulnerable and he wasn't speaking, just walking and going through the motions. Black Star could be quiet and it wasn't the first time that they had shared silence between each other, but right now it was wrong, and Soul gritted his teeth just to stop from shouting.

He focused on the table and the wood groove and the way it felt against his bare arm. Rough and scratched and lived on. He caught the scent of cooking in the air and the ingredients to the side that lay abandoned. He wondered if Tsubaki had just dropped everything when she'd heard the news, dough rolling off of her fingers to plop down forgotten and now rest useless. He looked back towards the older girl in front of him and noticed the patches of flour coating her sleeves and dusting her neck, he felt like he should apologise; he felt his sincerity would be pointless.

"Hold still."

Tsubaki's mouth crinkled and it looked like she wanted to laugh, and then Soul wanted to laugh because it was the only thing he could think of that wasn't in his head and hard and breaking. Her fingers moved slowly to wrap his hand up with the bandages, her skin was soft, and now her expression was soft and it hurt him just to think she was pitying him and_ their_ situation. He bit his lip and the sharp pain brought him back and he focused on that to stop the burning in his throat and his vision.

"He won't let me see her," His voice came out quieter and neither of his friend's had stopped what they were doing, so he repeated himself, this time louder; "He won't let me see her."

Black Star sighed and the cup he was holding landed hard against the counter. "You have to be patient, he will." His voice sounded optimistic and Tsubaki's head nodded in encouragement.

She said, "You can stay here, we can wait together." Soul clenched his fist and his skin cracked, and Tsubaki patted his padded hand lightly. He couldn't bear to say what he needed to, that Spirit thought this was his fault, knew it was his fault, his blood and his insanity that tainted her.

"I want to help." His words came out useless and he heard the uselessness in them and frowned, and wanted to hit something hard once again. His fingers shook with his anger. "I could-" the words rolled in his mouth, "I could be there." He could hold her. Hold her hand, hold her face, press his hand right above her chest and ask her to come back to them.

Tsubaki's throat clicked and Black Star brought the tea and moved his fingers so that the cup sat tightly in his hand, burning. "They won't want you in there, distracting... touching things and, distracting." In a lighter moment, Soul would have pointed out that his friend was describing nobody but himself. Black Star floundered and looked to Tsubaki for direction.

She picked up effortlessly, "Right now Maka needs her family-" Soul scoffed – "and once they're through with the tests and formalities, I'm sure they'll let you see her." What went unspoken, what picked at his head, was the empty sentences; that Maka would be fine, demand to see him, be her old self once again. Tsubaki wouldn't speak promises likely to be broken.

The silence was heavy and the three of them breathing, and the clock ticking in the corner, and the dust settling on the floor, seemed to be drifting. Soul's tea was cold when he brought it to his mouth. "She'll be fine." His friends' looked at him and their faces were blank and open.

Possessions littered the kitchen and from where Soul sat, he could see more bits and pieces strewn in the other rooms beyond where they were sitting. He thought about Maka's jacket sat back at home on their couch, half crumpled. Her books lay half read, stacked up against her bedroom table and littering the floor of her carpet. Lipstick, hardly ever used, hidden in her half of the bathroom closet. Her fingerprints and her image ghosting up their mirror.

The burning was fast now and he couldn't control any of his emotions. His head was pounding and he half breathed, half choked on the spit collecting in his mouth. Tsubaki was saying things and Black Star's hand was back on his shoulder and pressing. Pressing him down and pulling him up and Tsubaki's voice was louder in his ears now. Somebody's hand was gripping his arm and he let himself be pulled and held. The three of them were close together and he thought how funny it must look from the outside, the three of them pressed to each other and Black Star and Tsubaki trying to hold him together.

He thought of Maka and being pressed against her. He felt cold then without her, empty and lost. He thought of Maka and her strength and her hands, her fingers touching him and her laughter soft against his ear. He thought of her lips and her smiling, and he felt lost in his feelings.

He thought how she was Maka and would be fine. Her hands and her eyes, and her lips and her strength, how all of that was Maka and she would be fine. He repeated the words in his head; that she would be fine, would make it through this, and would be fine.

He said the words out loud, "She'll be fine because she's Maka." And the sentence tasted bitter, laying like liquorice on his tongue.

**to be continued...**

Comments and crit, as always, are much appreciated.

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	2. is breaking

**A/n's: **So this chapter should explain some of the questions left from the last one. It _is_ set before the first chapter, just so there is no confusion. Hopefully. And I don't think I mentioned last time, but I am completely taking liberty with the whole insanity idea. My ever grateful thanks goes out to everyone who took the time to comment on the last chapter – it means so much, as well as add this or me to their favourites and alerts.

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**All That I Am**

**is breaking**

Something snapped.

Maka felt her lips twist and her eyes widen, and Soul seemed to be shaking suddenly in her fingers. A harsh rattling that thrummed through her skin and jarred against her bones. Instinctively, she gripped harder; metal warming in her hand and vibrating fast against her palm.

"Maka?" Soul's voice reverberated inside of her, thick with confusion and tinged with the beginnings of panic.

She stepped back and tried hard to breathe. Her legs felt weak and her head seemed suddenly small and filled with clouds, or oil, or maybe absolutely nothing. Soul was shouting at her. Yelling at her. His voice was loud against the beat of blood in her ears, grating inside of her mind, and yet she couldn't seem to get her mouth to move and form some kind of response to him. It took every muscle in her body just to remain as in control as she was.

She had been warned about this. They both had. It had been an average fight, nothing too simple, but enough for them to connect and come together. The soul they had fought for now lay waiting, hovering, just in front of her in the distance, mocking.

She would reach out for it, she thought, let Soul swallow it whole and watch it disappear. If only for just one second the black blood would stop creeping along her veins and trying to inherit everything inside of her.

"Maka?" Soul's panic was making him sound angry now, "Maka, what's happening?"

Her skin hurt. Her skin hurt because it had been split apart and bruised, and now it felt like a thousand tiny needles were trying to push their way out from inside of her. Her body would not stop shaking and her blood felt on fire and Soul was shaking heavily in her palm still, feeling everything that she was feeling, and not being able to do anything about it.

She remembered that they were still connected to each other. That her hand was still holding on to him; that any moment now she would pull him down right along with her.

She knew that she wouldn't let that happen.

Maka's fingers curled and her mouth gasped and a small whine came out of her lips, pityingly. Everything went cold inside of her then, and selfishly, the last thing she wanted to do was release her hold on him. She felt disgusted with herself, with her terror. She wrapped her fingers around him tighter and managed the small effort of biting her lip until the pain could give her some sort of sense and wellbeing.

She wished it was his hand in her own. His fingers curled into the heart of her palm, the warmth of his skin touching her own. She breathed in, once, twice, and felt more of what she was snapping.

Soul was quiet. It felt heavier now, their connection, close enough that their feelings became hard to separate, but she knew that he was still panicking; picking apart her thought processes until he had an idea of what she was doing, how he could help. The gasp he took in was frightened and it seemed suddenly like the air around her was chilled and waiting. Waiting for her to make her choice.

Soul knew what she was doing. "Maka, keep-"

She let go.

The last of his sentence cut off and Maka grit her teeth until she could feel her gums bleeding. Soul was thrown, metal clattering hard against the wall and the clanging sound of him falling made her jump and wince.

"Maka!"

Maka felt their connection separate. She had never torn herself from him before, and the effort it took just to breathe seemed overwhelming. For an instance, every inch of her hurt and then she couldn't stop the screaming. Her lungs pounded hard against her ribcage and her hands clawed against her chest where her heart beat loudly. Her legs kicked out at nothing, and twisted and felt broken. Her fingers pressed up against her skin and it hurt just to make contact; her skin angry and pulsing. She thought of Soul and the fact that she wanted and needed him. She thought of him as a boy and in his weapon form, and how it had been so easy and yet so hard to let go of him like that. She thought of her parents and wondered if they had experienced the same. She wondered if the ache in her chest would ever go away.

Everything seemed darker now, black and angry and broken.

There was darkness and she clung to it. Her hand suddenly seemed empty.

* * *

Soul transformed back into his human form.

His voice was raw and his body was cold and seemed torn, and everything ached inside of him.

None of that mattered.

Maka had been screaming. Maka had thrown him aside and let go; they had both been being taken over by insanity. He had felt it crawling along his skin, flowing through his veins and trying to take over, clogging up the connection that he and Maka shared until his head had felt too heavy for his shoulders.

His fingers reached up to grasp his head and pull at his hair. Everything seemed fine, sore, but intact and he didn't feel like he wasn't the one in control of his body. "Maka?" He grimaced, his voice cracked and echoing painfully in his head. There was no answer.

"Maka?" His head turned to the right and his body seemed slow and too tired to co-operate. Maka was on the floor, lying still and not moving. His knees popped when he stood up and he half stumbled into a step towards her. His chest ached like he was cold, and his legs slid across the ground as he came to kneel beside her. There was black blood on the floor and he tried not to notice.

His hands fluttered over the top of her, twin little birds hopping; searching for injuries, and nervous to touch her in case he caused anymore. He grabbed the skinny bones of her wrist, feeling the faint pulse beneath his fingertips and releasing his breath in a stuttered whisper.

"Come on!" His voice came out gruff, anger stark and bleeding into his words; anger at her for throwing him and himself for allowing her to do so. She flinched beneath him, her head twitching, her lips parting into a groan as she snapped her wrist out of his grasp and back to her side.

He moved then, arms reaching out around her and pulling himself down to hold her, delicately touching her as if she might crack beneath him. Pressing his face against the side of her neck until the curve of his smile met the tip of her ear.

She was conscious, she was breathing, and she was going to be okay.

Maka made a nonsensical moan and whined, and he looked up just in time to feel the flat of her hand strike hard and fast into his face. Soul's head snapped back, partly out of force and partly out of shock - his fingers cradled the tip of his nose and he felt the light and sticky flow of blood quickly coat his hand.

Maka turned towards him and her lip curled and her neck jerked and in the next moment she was laughing. Her movements were awkward, flesh slapping against the floor as she shuddered and attempted to raise herself off the floor and away from him.

"Keep still," his voice was quiet, hushed almost and he left the bleeding of his nose to try and stop some of her thrashing. As soon as his hands made contact with her skin she started screaming, her voice breaking in pain as she tried to twist herself out of his hold. "Maka, please." He loosened his grasp at her hissing and shuffled a step back, hands held out soothingly in front of him. She calmed down in degrees, placated now that he wasn't attempting to hold her.

Soul sat back and waited and felt sick. She didn't seem to mind his hushed whispers, words under his breath just to fill in the emptiness. He sat back and he waited and he tried very hard not to think of what it was that had happened. How much it seemed that his partner was broken. How much of it was his entire fault.

* * *

Marie watched as one of her most capable students was wheeled through the busy halls of Shibusen on a stretcher.

The corridors were crowded, a lazy stream of children moving aside and peering around each other in an effort to add to the rumours that were already roaming free, and had been ever since Shibusen had received the call about the technician from her partner. Doing the best that she could, Marie cleared the way, scattering pupils and trying her best not to think of how long Maka Albarn would be laying pale across a bed like that.

Once in the infirmary, in a private room; Marie stepped back and pressed herself flat into a corner. She tried to remain calm and quiet, pushing herself flatter until it seemed like she was part of the wall and out of the way.

Soul stood tense beside the bed that Maka was in, silent and apart from everyone else except the girl he was staring at; hesitant to leave her side and desperate to be touching her. His hands crushed the sheets beneath him, twisting until his skin looked red and worried. There was blood smeared across his nose, top lip and chin, and a black, almost oil like substance covering almost the entire rest of him. Marie wondered if she should offer to help clear him up, make him look more like himself again, and then she hesitated as Nygus rushed past her.

Stein stood to the right of the bed, his fingers efficient as they flew over the sedated girl and monitored her vitals. "Soul, can you tell us what happened?" His eyes didn't move from checking over Maka.

Soul looked up, and for a moment he looked empty, his hand uncurled, slow and sticky; his fingerprints smudging the once clean sheets with the thick, black substance.

Everybody waited.

Nygus took a clean cloth and started to clean up Maka - Soul seemed suddenly distracted, watching as Maka lay soft and peaceful beneath her touch. His fingers twitched and Marie carefully watched his frowning face.

"Soul, what happened to Maka?"

The boy blinked and opened his mouth and then suddenly the door banged open.

Spirit stepped into the room and his entire body seemed to be shaking. He took one look at Soul, grimaced, and then only had eyes for his daughter. "Stein." His voice was low and he wasn't staring at his friend's face, but Marie could still see that his eyes were red and strained and angry.

Stein nodded and laid a comforting hand on Spirit's shoulder. "We were just trying to find out the circumstances of what happened." Spirit placed a hand curled into Maka's own and then stared at Soul for direction.

The room waited. "We were fighting and then... resonance, and-" His face looked confused, gazing at Spirit's fingers. Marie watched and thought that he looked just as defeated.

"We need to know, Soul. We need to help Maka."

The boy was in shock and Marie stepped forward. "We should get you cleaned up." Her voice was light and she tried very hard to smile, to make everything seem more normal. She took a damp cloth off the side and pulled softly on Soul's arms until his face was turned towards her. She dabbed delicately at his skin and winced only slightly when she saw the bruising. Next, she cleaned his hands, softly separating his fingers, and wondered if it was him or her that was trembling.

"I tried," his voice sounded swollen, "I couldn't stop her." Spirit looked up. "I'm sorry." Soul's shoulders squared and he looked angry. "The black blood was-"

Stein sniffed," The two of you resonated for too long and insanity took over." His words were clipped and Marie wished he didn't sound so harsh and clinical. Soul nodded.

Nygus said, "But why isn't Soul affected?" The room turned towards him, watching and waiting for an answer.

Spirit grew tense and his words seemed to be shouted, "Tell us what happened!"

Soul swallowed and the shock of Spirit's fury shook him out of it. "She- sh-" He paused and breathed heavily, and Marie placed her hand heavy across his arm. "She separated our connection." His lips twisted into a puzzled frown, "I didn't realise until it was too late. It snuck up on us; the black blood just took over." His face seemed paler now and Marie wanted to shout at them all to stop pushing him.

Stein sighed and his voice seemed to be a lot calmer, "Did you try to separate before the effects started to take over?" Spirit's hand seemed white, wrapped around the bed side's rail. Soul shook his head slowly.

"I didn't think it would be that fast at taking over." Marie knew how that sounded and thought that it probably hadn't meant to come out that way. Soul and Maka were partners through and through, and neither one had more control than the other when it came down to heavy decisions made on the battlefield.

"You didn't think!" Spirit spat.

Soul flinched and looked down at his hands, uncertain.

"Spirit, stop." Marie looked at the boy and the Father and the girl, and realised that they were all of them, too many kinds of broken. Spirit pressed his teeth tight together and clasped Maka's hand towards him.

"You should leave."

The room grew quieter and Marie watched as Soul stepped from foot to foot, unsure.

"She'd want me to be here." Soul's fist clenched, "Maka wouldn't want me to leave her."

"Maka wouldn't be in this state-"

"Enough!" Stein stepped between them, lazily pushing his glasses further up his face. "You'll both be out if you can't be quiet."

Soul stepped up and hovered over the opposite bedside to Spirit, the two suitable cowed, and Marie moved to stand between them. His hand perched atop the bed and his fingers looked to be itching to touch her. "Did she say anything?" Spirit's voice seemed to hitch and Soul looked up at the older man, uncomfortable still in his presence.

He hesitated a second and then spoke, "She didn't. The- It was difficult enough just to move, she probably used all her energy just-" His hand reached out to move aside a stray strand of hair, his fingers brushing her cheek. Marie watched as sedated, Maka seemed to sense his presence and movement, her back arching up and her mouth opening in a silent scream as she tried to twist away from Soul's hand now hovering above her.

Soul stepped back, "I didn't." Stein and Nygus both moved fast and tried to hold the screaming girl down, her actions quieting now that the threat seemed further away. Stein seemed to be thinking.

"Since it happened, have you tried touching her?" His voice was gentle.

Marie had thought that Soul not holding or touching her had been through his fear of further hurting the girl, and it was, it just turned out that it was in a completely different way than she had expected.

"She keeps reacting like that." Soul backed further away.

"Is he hurting her?" Spirit looked from Stein to his own hand, stroking Maka's fingers.

Stein scratched his shoulder. "It seems his presence may prove painful to Maka. But I don't know if it's the after effects of their resonance or something to do with the insanity itself."

Spirit took one look at Maka's pained face and quickly let go of her hand to stand up. "I'm asking you to leave. Now." His head was bowed and his hands were clenched, resting just above the bed sheets.

Soul looked too shocked at what had happened to move or even defend himself.

Marie placed herself between them and was shoved to the side as Spirit marched his way past. His hand struck out and grabbed Soul's arm and he pushed past everything until he had the boy next to the door. "Out!"

Soul scowled and tried to free his arm from Spirit's hold. "I want to be here for her. Somebody has to!"

His words were meant to hurt and they were both past the point of controlling their emotions. Spirit panted, pressing his weight against Soul and pushing him up, hard against the door. "You did this to her!" His free hand pointed harshly back towards the bed and Soul seemed to visibly wilt at the sight of her. "She's like this because _you _did it."

There was silence, Soul didn't seem able to say anything and Spirit stood over him, waiting. The rest of the room seemed to have disappeared.

Soul looked up, his eyes determined and hard, "I'm not leaving her."

Spirit didn't speak. His free hand moved back and twisted the handle of the door roughly, kicking it wide and open. He dragged Soul away, into him and then through it. Then he stood back and closed the door hard between them.

**to be continued...**

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As always, all comments and critique are very much appreciated. I'm having a lot of fun writing this, but I'm sure there's a lot that could be improved upon. Or, you know, I've made some silly mistakes.


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